conceptualization of a dream
I am currently trying to think up a dream. Not the one that a person has when he or she sleeps, rather, that which preoccupies one's waking hours; the one that you spend a good part of your life pursuing.
I keep telling everyone that I don't know where I'm headed. Now I've figured that it's because I have no dream to follow. I have no set goals to be achieved within a certain timeframe. Everyday is a leisure-walk through mundane existence--with no destination in sight. That's a pretty accurate analogy of what's happening with me right now. I wake up each morning trying to define a goal, but always drawing a blank. Everyday is the same old story. And the same old story contains the same old elements such as bipolarity, confusion, and insecurity.
Bipolarity. I was born under the Gemini sign of the zodiac, popular for having the characteristic of twin personalities (what you might call schizo in the extreme). Thankfully, and I beg to argue with anyone who counters my statement, I am not that extreme. By bipolar, I pertain to the opposing camps that make my dream-hunt problematic, i.e., the creative half of me wants to pursue writing while the intellectual half wants a career in research and statistics. Argh, it has always been a battle between the artist and the intellectual. It's so frustrating.
Confusion. Stemming from my bipolarity. Ergo, the problem: which camp to side with, the creative or the intellectual?
Insecurity. I think I want to become a full-fledged scribe more than anything else. However (*sigh* the proverbial but), I feel that my writing skills aren't good enough. I'm afraid I'm Calliope's disowned child. (Wow, that took a lot of guts to admit. But, hell, this is an open journal. I gave everyone the liberty of reading my thoughts when I checked the "display" option on my blogger dashboard. And all of a sudden I realize I have become more serious and honest about what I write in this space. Interesting.)
So, tomorrow I hope to find a different plot to my story. Especially now that I'm aware of the factors affecting my lack of a dream.
Well, that's it for now. Losing lucidity; sleep beckons. Time for that other kind of dream.
awful taste in fashion
Preface: I posted this without editing so it didn't read the way it was supposed to. I've corrected loose sentences and inserted new paragraphs for easier comprehension.
Two nights ago I found myself arguing with two online entities who were also members of a message board I call my second home on the web (this blog being the primary, of course). The reason for the heated debate, as you will later see, will no doubt irk you as much as it did me. It's a sad fact that some people obviously have a twisted perception of the world and its workings. However, instead of rehashing all that was said, I will just post the link to the forum. I don't want to relive the anger that I felt during that time. Nothing ever pissed me off as much as that one. I don't usually get overly emotional online nor involve myself in petty debates; I am just a passive observer when things get nasty. But the posts of these two particular people cannot be ignored. They are the bad cells responsible for the cancer of society.
Note: Be reminded that I am a toy collector, so as a backgrounder, the following shall be taken within the context of "corruption" in the toy world (i.e., hoarders and scalpers of hard-to-find figures, selling of information and acceptance of "reservation fees" by toys sales reps in malls, and such). The bad cells are kinajo* and Dark Child (the meaner of the two, actually).
A sample:
DarkChild said,
I know we all whine about how corrupt this industry is.. but come on, what industry in this country isn't in some way or another?? I'm surprised you guys havent realized this yet. Wake up guys! we live in d Philippines, where its fashionable to be corrupt. What about those poor little newbies? Well, as you know collecting is a hobby, which connotes leisure, which connotes money. Only those who have the money can actually enter this hobby. They'll adjust, they all do. Coz dear, to survive anywhere and everywhere, one HAS to adjust.
Kinajo* said,
I don't wanna tolerate [corruption] either! Ofcourse! But what can we do? should we ask for the management and tell them about it? now i don't wanna ruin jobs and lives just for a toy, no matter what reason it is. These people, of what i could extremely imagine, just try to make ends meet every single day. I know what their doing is wrong and it also pisses me off.
My God. Corruption is that prevalent and ingrained that you can't do anything about it so just swallow it like a bitter pill? J.H.C. How uneducated can you get? Also, wrong is wrong, no matter what angle you look at it. If sales reps engage in illegal sales practices, let them suffer the consequences of their actions. They barely get by? They know the risks their taking. Let's see how they will get by, if at all, when they lose their jobs. I don't mean to sound harsh. It's just that the end does not justify the means. There is no person so poor that he or she couldn't rise above his/her plight. It's just a matter of sheer determination. If one really wants to, he/she can make an honest living and still make ends meet.
To view the entire exchange, click on the link below. Start with DarkChild's post then move on to the next page to view my reply. You don't have to read everything, just scan for my posts (I am haiku). I've quoted lines from their messages for direct reference. What you will see is a very ignorant perception of the world by misguided youths such as those two. Sigh.
http://toyrepublic.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=672
conjectures of a philosophical nature
Finally, after three days, my computer is back from Hades! The power supply blew up a couple of days ago so my alternate reality in cyberspace was temporarily inaccessible. I suffered mild withdrawal symptoms, but nothing that alcohol couldn't fix. Hehe.
In retrospect, having no computer was a welcome respite. At least I got myself re-acquainted with reading and malling. :p My better-half's been telling me that I needed to get out of the house for my sanity's sake, especially since I have been feeling off-balance. I admit, it is somewhat out-of-character for me to stay cooped up at home for a long period of time. I've always been the kind to grab every chance to go out and party 'til morning, or at least go to the mall (or anywhere for that matter) in the daytime. However, all that changed when I just plain turned cold turkey on gimmicks. Suddenly, the glitz and glamour of the nightlife had lost its appeal. I found myself relishing the comfort of my bed, a good book, a good movie, and home-cooked pasta. Domesticity slowly took over, and it was not a bad thing. :) I have settled down in more ways than one. But, though I appreciate domesticity's coziness, I admit it's not a state I see myself occupying throughout my lifetime. I still crave for things, specifically, those that I will have reason to complain about (i.e., work deadlines). It's weird how we long for the things that we know, once there, we will be agonizing over. I guess such is the paradoxical behavior of humans.
I meant for this entry to be a short one announcing my PC's return from the void. I didn't realize it would end on such a philosophical note. Haha. Just goes to show that anything is possible. If a paragraph can take such a turn, what more life?
of stars and superstahs
Currently playing: U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind album. I absolutely adore this album! I swear, "It's A Beautiful Day" has got to be among the all-time Top Five Best Opening Tracks list (well, on mine at least). It gives you the right boost, especially when you're feeling down and out. And on days when you feel like you're on top of the world, that song just rockets you off to the moon. It's that feel-good! :D Just don't ask me about the other four on my Top Five, I haven't gotten to thinking about them yet. :p
******
In relation to my previous entry, I found out that most people have been out-of-sorts lately. There is only one explanation for that if it seems to be global (even my twinster in the States is undergoing trying times). And that explanation would probably lie in the heavens. Literally. There must be some kind of planetary movement influencing the emotional tide of people. I am no astronomer, astrologist, nor cosmologist so I can't tell you much about the alignment of planets, or lack thereof. But I strongly feel that this ebb and flow is attributable to celestial activities. Hmmm...a passing comet perhaps? Traces of radiation from a distant supernova imploding into a black hole? Whatever it is, it sure is causing personal restlessness and disquietude among many.
******
"Superstah!" Hehe.
I've mentioned helping out my friend with her thesis. I agreed to be her talent, the decision of which, upto now, is still puzzling me. :p Anyhoo, we went to Ortigas to shoot some stuff. It's rather unnerving to act in front of strangers when they do not know you're acting. I sensed that they were sort of freaked out by my presence. And it's not a nice feeling, mind you. I saw people whispering, staring, or just plain weirded out. Walking uneasily in the busy streets of Ortigas, stooped and with my hair covering my face, people probably thought I was some crazed person about to jump off one of their gray, unfeeling buildings. If there's one thing I've learned about this thesis shoot, it's that people sure do have the tendency to judge harshly.
The highlight of the day was the talk I had with my friend and the videoke that came afterwards. Such fun! :D For the past week I seem to have bonded with her even more. As well as with another friend, opts. I think this period of storm and stress has made kindred spirits of us three.
stuck in a rut
It's 4pm of yet another day. I am out of sorts (still). I was supposed to go out of the house for my friend's thesis shoot. But since the rain has again proved elusive, the shoot was cancelled and postponed for another day. So, we're back to waiting for the rain, which is just what we have been doing the past two days. Rain, rain, fucking come our way! My friend needs to finish her thesis to graduate this sem! Sigh. I wish sometimes Mother Nature will heed such pleas. Why should you always get the opposite?! If you don't want rain, you get the heaviest downpour; if you want rain, you get the sunniest skies. We are mere puppets of the omnipotent forces in the universe! Is this some kind of sick joke?
******
I miss my twinster. And there is no question that her boyfriend misses her twice as much. We used to tell each other everything! But now, being oceans and time zones apart, we don't talk as much as we used to. Factor in her hectic sched, talk/email is reduced to a trickle. Bummer.
i'm sensing senselessnes
It's been a while since I last wrote in this blog. Okay, to update the curious cats: we get to keep the doggy. :D Bailey is a full-fleged member of the family now! :D Yes, my mom finally gave in to Bailey's sweetness. She's such a pup, really! :D Anyway, over the weekend, I got her a collar-and-leash set so I can take her out and walk her around the neighborhood. I also bought her some dog soap, biscuits (for when I train her, assuming that I know how), and dog food. I actually felt like I was shopping for my own kid! Well, she is that in a way. :)
On to other matters...I don't know why but these past few days I feel out of touch. And I can't fucking lay my finger on what I've been missing out on. Lately, I feel like I'm doing things mechanically though I've no set routine that I follow everyday. Doesn't make sense, huh? Well, a lot of things have not been making any sense to me the past week. I've been drinking 6 nights in a row, now. No cause for alarm, I am not an alcoholic (Stage 1: Denial). It's just that I miss the buzz I get from alcohol. After a couple of beers or glasses of punch, I seem to not feel anything. Sometimes I take solace in numbness. Funny how alcohol can render you without feeling, yet, at the same time, bring out the fucking sentimental schmuck you try so hard to supress. Haha. That's not supposed to be funny. Haha. Yes, it's supposed to be sarcastic.
******
I took a job exam today. Made me feel fucking stupid. I had completely forgotten my algebra and calculus. The exam consisted of three parts: problem solving, reading and comprehension, and graph interpretation. I was never really good at problem solving. Hell, look at my personal life! Don't get me wrong, okay? My marriage is all well and I'm very happy with my hubby. It's me I'm talking about. 'KWIM? It's "me," just ME. I'm fucking 28 years old and I still don't fucking know where the hell I'm headed. But that is an entirely different story worthy of its own entry. Right now I'm talking about the exam this afternoon. So, okay. One question goes something like this...
There's a tank filled with liquid. There are two valves: a top one and a bottom one. They're both open; the one on top fills the tank with water while the one on the bottom drains it. Given the rate of water coming in and coming out, the solver is asked to find out how long it takes to drain the tank.
Jesus, why continue pouring water in it in the first place if you're just gonna drain it, anyway?! It's a rat race out there. If you're going to empty the tank, then stop adding water so the job gets done faster and easier! This dog-eat-dog world waits for no one!
Sigh. I don't know what I'm cut out to do. I am no problem solver; that I've realized way before I took the exam. All the more afterwards! Another sigh.
Life...how do you decipher it?
