Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Moving On

Seems like I'll be taking up permanent residency here. Thanks for all the fond memories (and the fish). Dear Dreamshaft, you shall be missed.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Found myself a hubby but not a hobby

Yesterday I was very restless. I didn't know how to handle the drastic change in pace. I mean, all of a sudden I find myself not doing anything work-related. I was just lazing around the house reading and watching divx movies. Towards the end of the day, I felt like I've lost my footing. I went to bed haunted again by morbid thoughts.

But I seem to have regained balance now. Thankfully! Perhaps I just needed some time to adjust. So, I've been taking it easy the whole day, watching movies without feeling guilty. Finally got to watch Naruto again. Tomorrow I'll probably catch up on Prison Break and watch The Departed. Let's see how it fares against the original, Infernal Affairs. It is good to relax. Sooo frikkin' good. ;) And blogging is therapeutic indeed.


Last Sunday, I was scouring the shelves for a book to while away the time. I haven't finished Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell but didn't want to continue reading it as I feel it's too lengthy for the ADD-afflicted me. So I just went ahead and picked out Quincunx by Charles Palliser, a novel of Dickensian flavor. Now this book has almost the same number of pages as Jonathan Strange... but with a smaller type. Go figure. Sometimes I myself don't understand how my mind works.

I told my hubby about this weird book choice and you know what he said? That I should find myself a hobby. That I should meditate and find out what my passion is. I told him I know what my passion is...working! Then I threw this question at him: can't working be a hobby? You can probably guess that he gave me an exasperated look.

So, now I am plodding through the internet, where you can find virtually anything, for a hobby. Something to keep my hands busy and maybe improve my dexterity. My hands definitely need to be dexterous in things other than typing. However, nothing appealed to me--well, there were some that struck my fancy--but nothing that made me want to pursue it. Learned something new, though. I didn't know retrocomputing is hobby. I think it's more like a luddite's way of life.

Well, I guess that's it for tonight. My eyes are tired. Hopefully tomorrow Google will give me better search results for a hobby.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Cogito ergo sum

And therein lies the dilemma. I might be thinking a bit too much. But at least my blog would be pleased to have my words rescue it from desolation. It probably thought it'll never see me again. I'm even surprised that it's still here, and seems to be waiting for me, despite my silence for more than a year. I guess now my blog feels pretty special that it got resurrected a week before Jesus Christ.

But there's a reason why I'm breaking this silence. I need this blog as much as it needs me. And probably now I need it more than it needs me. Once again, this blog is my soul salvation.


Seven years ago I despaired over molehills like it was the end of the world. I threw tantrums and launched into histrionics over things that a five-year-old would--and I was 23 at the time. Which just proves that when you're young you know nothing. Yes, shame on me. But I'm thankful that that person (or persona) has decided to keep herself scarce nowadays.

Today, there's really nothing to despair about. For almost five years now, life has been good. But why do I feel as if I'm fraying around the edges? Why do I feel like bursting into tears at any moment, without provocation? Why do I feel as if time is passing me by when I'm moving so fast my shadow can hardly keep up with me? Why do I find myself trying so hard to get something done that I end up not getting anything done at all? And why, when I need it the most, is sleep evading me? Further, what do I make of the morbid thoughts that sneak into my head? And what about this nagging emptiness inside of me? I hate it with all the energy I have left in my tired mind and body. But the more I try to rid of it, the more it seems to conquer me.

I am bleeding but there is no wound. I am hurting in that empty space between the heart and the soul. And it scares the life out of me--literally.

I swear, sometimes I think I’m going crazy.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Measuring My Torque

For weeks now my mood has been swinging like a pendulum and my body can barely keep up. I feel tired almost all the time, I have morbid nightmares, experience anxiety attacks, and, to top it all off, my hair wouldn't stop falling. I can't wait for the weekend so I could just hole up at home and finish reading Sin City, which was lent to me by a co-worker. Actually, it would be closer to the truth were I to say, "which I boldly asked to borrow from a co-worker I hardly know". Shows what I'd do to get my hands and eyes on a great novel. Anyhoo, I think I'll go home now. I'm tired.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


There's a tingling sensation coursing through my arms and legs. Probably the toxic residues of last night's binge drinking. No thanks to my two co-workers who had their birthday blow-out yesterday. Thankfully, I still had my wits about me, as the laurel leaf said. Though I was having difficulty walking a straight line by that time. My feet didn't seem to want to follow the direction my mind instructed them to go. Nevertheless, I still managed to walk straight.

The end of the evening was a different story, however. When I try to recall the events that transpired last night, it feels like there's a gap in my memory. I must've been really drunk as I couldn't even remember how I managed to get some cash from the ATM. And then all I remember was going to Mini-stop to get some bottled water and having this conversation with my office mate that in 2001 (if my memory serves me right), a person in cyberspace was only 19 clicks away from an acquaintance. The logic of which became the foundation of online apps like Friendster. Now, of course, as our network of friends get bigger, the number of clicks decrease. I also remember a part of the conversation where I was in denial about my inebriated state. I was spewing out numbers...5 x 5 is 25...the square root of this is that...and so on. What geekiness, I now realize.

It was a fun night in all. I just had to pay the price--a steep one at that--with this debilitating hangover. Up 'til now, I still feel drunk. I woke up lunchtime with a splitting headache and numb arms and legs. I had lunch with my folks, trying to keep a decent demeanor, hiding the fact that my stomach was all topsy turvy and one tiny mistake could send me throwing up on the table. That could've been really, really ugly. After lunch, I slept again. I hibernated practically the whole day! When I woke up around 5:30pm I felt so weak--as if my limbs were weighing me down. Ugh! I really hate these kinds of hangovers. Downing an assortment of beers (and some wine) was a very ill-advised decision. I had some San Mig light, Red Horse, Strong ice, and half a glass of wine. It's up there in the list of stupidest things to do.

As of this writing, I am still feeling a bit woozy. And I have to repeat the oath I make during a hangover: I'll never drink again.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Random Twenty

Got tagged by the laurel leaf, and since this is the second time I've been tagged by her, I'm dutifully acknowledging the tag. I'll try to answer the first tag next time. :)

Okay, off the top of my head, twenty things about me:

1. I love Neil Gaiman, but not as much as I love my hubby.
2. I am an obsessive-compulsive book-aligner. I stack books evenly in bookstore sale bins.
3. When walking, if my left foot semi-trips on an uneven pavement, I'd have to let my right foot semi-trip too, or else I'd be left feeling unbalanced.
4. I'm a sneaker pimp.
5. I have a burning passion for music.
6. When I was a kid I wanted to become an astronomer.
7. I know the scientific name of the common fruit fly: drosophila melanogaster.
8. I never wear purely white socks; if I do, it's because it's part of a costume.
9. I used to have a crush on Richard Dean Anderson as MacGyver.
10. My first boyfriend passed away two years ago.
11. I'm a scaredy-cat.
12. I have alopecia areata. Go ahead and research it.
13. I have low caffeine tolerance but I love coffee.
14. I almost never walk barefoot. The instances that I do, it's on a sandy beach.
15. I used to be extremely moody and teetering-over-the-edge. I've now learned the zen way of life.
16. Most, if not all, of my friends are geeks.
17. I have messianic syndrome.
18. I never knew my biological dad.
19. I have thanatophobia. Go research it as well.
20. I am a manic depressive.

There you go. Or should I say, there I am.

Monday, November 07, 2005

I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing

Right now I should be writing the minutes of a forgotten meeting. Right now I should be reading Kurt Busiek and Alex Ross's Marvels. Right now I should be on my way home. Right now I should be sleeping. Right now I should be talking with a friend, waxing philosophical on the nugatory elements of life. Right now I should be lazing about a beach. Right I should be letting a couple of Strong Ice beers calm my nerves. Right now I should be watching a film that would change my life. Right now I should be developing theories that would answer the truth to the number 42. Right now I should be discovering a buried civilization, or a fading constellation. Right now I should be playing the guitar and the jazz chords that I've just recently learned. Right now I should be having dinner at home, or at least preparing for dinner, given that right now is only five to seven. Right now I'm nearly at my wits' end trying to figure out why right now I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing.

Right now I shouldn't be blogging because right now I should be writing the minutes of a forgotten meeting. Shit, "right now" is right now because it can't exist any other moment. And right now just had to suck majorly, the ugliness resonating across multiverses, and I'm caught in a recursive pattern of ill luck. Because before "right now" was "right now". And now it's still "right now". When will it end?