conceptualization of a dream
I am currently trying to think up a dream. Not the one that a person has when he or she sleeps, rather, that which preoccupies one's waking hours; the one that you spend a good part of your life pursuing.
I keep telling everyone that I don't know where I'm headed. Now I've figured that it's because I have no dream to follow. I have no set goals to be achieved within a certain timeframe. Everyday is a leisure-walk through mundane existence--with no destination in sight. That's a pretty accurate analogy of what's happening with me right now. I wake up each morning trying to define a goal, but always drawing a blank. Everyday is the same old story. And the same old story contains the same old elements such as bipolarity, confusion, and insecurity.
Bipolarity. I was born under the Gemini sign of the zodiac, popular for having the characteristic of twin personalities (what you might call schizo in the extreme). Thankfully, and I beg to argue with anyone who counters my statement, I am not that extreme. By bipolar, I pertain to the opposing camps that make my dream-hunt problematic, i.e., the creative half of me wants to pursue writing while the intellectual half wants a career in research and statistics. Argh, it has always been a battle between the artist and the intellectual. It's so frustrating.
Confusion. Stemming from my bipolarity. Ergo, the problem: which camp to side with, the creative or the intellectual?
Insecurity. I think I want to become a full-fledged scribe more than anything else. However (*sigh* the proverbial but), I feel that my writing skills aren't good enough. I'm afraid I'm Calliope's disowned child. (Wow, that took a lot of guts to admit. But, hell, this is an open journal. I gave everyone the liberty of reading my thoughts when I checked the "display" option on my blogger dashboard. And all of a sudden I realize I have become more serious and honest about what I write in this space. Interesting.)
So, tomorrow I hope to find a different plot to my story. Especially now that I'm aware of the factors affecting my lack of a dream.
Well, that's it for now. Losing lucidity; sleep beckons. Time for that other kind of dream.
I keep telling everyone that I don't know where I'm headed. Now I've figured that it's because I have no dream to follow. I have no set goals to be achieved within a certain timeframe. Everyday is a leisure-walk through mundane existence--with no destination in sight. That's a pretty accurate analogy of what's happening with me right now. I wake up each morning trying to define a goal, but always drawing a blank. Everyday is the same old story. And the same old story contains the same old elements such as bipolarity, confusion, and insecurity.
Bipolarity. I was born under the Gemini sign of the zodiac, popular for having the characteristic of twin personalities (what you might call schizo in the extreme). Thankfully, and I beg to argue with anyone who counters my statement, I am not that extreme. By bipolar, I pertain to the opposing camps that make my dream-hunt problematic, i.e., the creative half of me wants to pursue writing while the intellectual half wants a career in research and statistics. Argh, it has always been a battle between the artist and the intellectual. It's so frustrating.
Confusion. Stemming from my bipolarity. Ergo, the problem: which camp to side with, the creative or the intellectual?
Insecurity. I think I want to become a full-fledged scribe more than anything else. However (*sigh* the proverbial but), I feel that my writing skills aren't good enough. I'm afraid I'm Calliope's disowned child. (Wow, that took a lot of guts to admit. But, hell, this is an open journal. I gave everyone the liberty of reading my thoughts when I checked the "display" option on my blogger dashboard. And all of a sudden I realize I have become more serious and honest about what I write in this space. Interesting.)
So, tomorrow I hope to find a different plot to my story. Especially now that I'm aware of the factors affecting my lack of a dream.
Well, that's it for now. Losing lucidity; sleep beckons. Time for that other kind of dream.
posted by haiku @ 6:00 PM
7 Comments:
i think i had a problem similar to yours before. at some point in my life, i was rather confused about pursuing art or a career. raymond red (in an interview) indirectly answered that question for me. you work so you can fuel your passion. the intellect must serve the creativity. because people running a business will never let you use your creativity the way you want to. those weren't his excat words though. they're sorta my own derivatives from what he said. i hope that helps. +)
Sigh. Blessed are the ones who make art their career for they shall have heaven on earth.
Excuse me? What do you mean your "writing skills aren't good enough"? My dear, you have to get your confidence level good enough, that's what. You have a wonderfully engaging, introspective, lucid manner of writing. Share that with the world, please. There are a lot of "unskilled" people being called writers already.
But I know what it means to be confused. Trust me, you can't use that as a reason for long. Sayang the time.
P.S. Make the bipolarity work for you. :)
Wow! That's the nicest compliment anyone's ever given me in a long time. Thank you, Cands. :) You just made my day! Kinda reinforced the growing optimism I have about writing; especially as the compliment comes from a professional writer. *blush*
So, when do you want your free lunch? LOL! :D You're right about making the bipolirity work to my advantage. Thanks for the tip! :)
I know what you mean. I'm trying to figure out what my next goal is, myself. I'm pretty sure updating my resume is my first step though. *s*
Honesty about what you write is good. A friend was telling me recently about how during a certain period in her life, she treated writing as more of a craft than expression. Well, of course it's also a craft, but the two sides of it should both be there.
hey haiku,
this particular blog entry of yours has been bugging me for quite sometime now. I've been in your shoes not so long ago (and sometimes it still feels like i'm not over it). I think all of us, at some point or another, go through this stage. Some linger and some zip pass it, not even noticing that they're at that point.
Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you just hang in there and just work; continue to do whatever that stokes you. Sooner or later, you'll stumble upon the perfect equation that will work exactly and only for you.
share ko lang ito. Got it from a book called "The Bone People" by Kerewin Holmes. "I am in limbo, and in limbo there are no races, no prizes, no changes, no chances. There are merely degrees of endurance."
I know how this state of limbo feels. And trust me, if i got over it. you will, too. [hugs]
Awww...thanks Mommy Earnest. I know I've been feeling this way for years now, it's just that exciting things have been happening so I didn't really dwell on it. Now that everything has sort of plateaued and age is beginning to catch up, the need for a resolution immediate. But, I know I will rise above this, just as I know that you will find your dream-job. *hugs* :)
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