a cold, cold night
What did I do the first day of 2005? I slept in and I starved myself. Well, the second one isn't exactly true. I woke up around 1:30 in the afternoon and since I wasn't feeling hungry, I didn't eat at once. I waited until 3pm to do that. And that's because my hubby, who also slept in and had just woken up around that time, wanted to have lunch (as if you could still call a meal at 3pm lunch). I would have passed up on the meal entirely and waited 'til dinner had I the heart to let my hubby dine alone the first day of the new year. So, a very late lunch we had.
As if the start of the new year wasn't sucky enough, there's this weird thing going on. Just a few days ago, I have been raving about how I feel this is going to be a GREAT year. Now (actually, it started two days ago), I'm feeling kinda lost--like I'm missing or missing out on something that I can't quite define. I feel like I'm neither here nor there; as if time stopped and I'm caught between--to borrow something from a blog I chanced upon in the past--the tick and the tock. I have no idea what day of the week it is. I feel hung over from 2004. I know I've written this kind of thing a couple of months ago and have managed to transcend it. But, gawd, here it is again. That ugly feeling is creeping up on me once more. Is this what manic depression is? Or bipolar affective disorder? Have I not conquered this madness years ago when I vowed to become happy and not dwell on things too much? But here it is again, taunting me; luring me to the colorful web of chaos; prodding me to surrender to lunacy. Lunacy. Is this behavior lunar-influenced to merit such a name? Has this something to do with the inhabitants of the night sky getting on each other's nerves? Or is this purely a turmoil of the mind? These are times when I seriously feel I'm going crazy. Fuck this shit.
Okay, so to keep myself from going over the edge, I'll just start practicing writing 2005 for when I fill out forms and such that require the date. Ink erasures and smudges are ugly and so unprofessional-looking.
So, this is the year 2005.
The exact date is January 2, 2005.
It is supposed to be a good year, 2005.
2005 2005 2005 2005.
Don't you think it looks nice seeing 2005 in print? The numerical figure is somewhat symmetrical: the 2 and the 5 look like mirror images of each other and they look nice sandwiching the 00s. And now that I've written 2005 repetitively, I hope my brain has replaced 2004 in its memory and will command my hand or my speech to write or say 2005 when asked the current year. Sigh. Such useless and idle talk. I apologize for the nonsense. As I said, I am, yet again, adrift in limbo and I need this gibberish to keep me from thinking about how empty and lost I feel.
Fuck, any minute now I am going to cry. It's 3am and I am waxing despressive. I see Alex Ross's stocky Batman looking at me with condemning eyes from the screen wallpaper. He looks self-confident in a haughty kind of way and I hate it. I want to scream at him and tell him to stop looking at me that way. But if I do that, I'd definitely rouse the suspicion that I'm a loony. So I'm not going to do that. Instead, I will ask him in very nice way, "Mr. Wayne, uhm, Mr. Batman, can you please stop giving me that condescending look? It makes me uncomfortable. Thank you."
WTF?! I'm talking to Batman on a wallpaper on my computer screen. WTF. It's too quiet in this room and the lamp is casting off a ghostly glow. My feet are cold, but I'm too lazy to get a pair of socks from the drawer that's two feet away from me. It's getting colder as the night progresses. Morning will be even colder. Sleep is relief so I hope to get me some of that later. Actually, sooner is better. Anything to get my mind off this damned feeling. It's like a vortex and I'm spiraling downward. My stomach feels hollow and my heart is heavy. I have the queasy feeling associated with anxiety. Maybe TV will do me some good. Yes. I think that's the perfect thing to do. It's better to get lost in a sea of cable channels than a sea of nothingness.
As if the start of the new year wasn't sucky enough, there's this weird thing going on. Just a few days ago, I have been raving about how I feel this is going to be a GREAT year. Now (actually, it started two days ago), I'm feeling kinda lost--like I'm missing or missing out on something that I can't quite define. I feel like I'm neither here nor there; as if time stopped and I'm caught between--to borrow something from a blog I chanced upon in the past--the tick and the tock. I have no idea what day of the week it is. I feel hung over from 2004. I know I've written this kind of thing a couple of months ago and have managed to transcend it. But, gawd, here it is again. That ugly feeling is creeping up on me once more. Is this what manic depression is? Or bipolar affective disorder? Have I not conquered this madness years ago when I vowed to become happy and not dwell on things too much? But here it is again, taunting me; luring me to the colorful web of chaos; prodding me to surrender to lunacy. Lunacy. Is this behavior lunar-influenced to merit such a name? Has this something to do with the inhabitants of the night sky getting on each other's nerves? Or is this purely a turmoil of the mind? These are times when I seriously feel I'm going crazy. Fuck this shit.
Okay, so to keep myself from going over the edge, I'll just start practicing writing 2005 for when I fill out forms and such that require the date. Ink erasures and smudges are ugly and so unprofessional-looking.
So, this is the year 2005.
The exact date is January 2, 2005.
It is supposed to be a good year, 2005.
2005 2005 2005 2005.
Don't you think it looks nice seeing 2005 in print? The numerical figure is somewhat symmetrical: the 2 and the 5 look like mirror images of each other and they look nice sandwiching the 00s. And now that I've written 2005 repetitively, I hope my brain has replaced 2004 in its memory and will command my hand or my speech to write or say 2005 when asked the current year. Sigh. Such useless and idle talk. I apologize for the nonsense. As I said, I am, yet again, adrift in limbo and I need this gibberish to keep me from thinking about how empty and lost I feel.
Fuck, any minute now I am going to cry. It's 3am and I am waxing despressive. I see Alex Ross's stocky Batman looking at me with condemning eyes from the screen wallpaper. He looks self-confident in a haughty kind of way and I hate it. I want to scream at him and tell him to stop looking at me that way. But if I do that, I'd definitely rouse the suspicion that I'm a loony. So I'm not going to do that. Instead, I will ask him in very nice way, "Mr. Wayne, uhm, Mr. Batman, can you please stop giving me that condescending look? It makes me uncomfortable. Thank you."
WTF?! I'm talking to Batman on a wallpaper on my computer screen. WTF. It's too quiet in this room and the lamp is casting off a ghostly glow. My feet are cold, but I'm too lazy to get a pair of socks from the drawer that's two feet away from me. It's getting colder as the night progresses. Morning will be even colder. Sleep is relief so I hope to get me some of that later. Actually, sooner is better. Anything to get my mind off this damned feeling. It's like a vortex and I'm spiraling downward. My stomach feels hollow and my heart is heavy. I have the queasy feeling associated with anxiety. Maybe TV will do me some good. Yes. I think that's the perfect thing to do. It's better to get lost in a sea of cable channels than a sea of nothingness.
posted by haiku @ 4:10 AM
2 Comments:
I hope you get over the feeling soon. It happened to me and it happens to the best of us :)
Thanks. I hope so, too. I hate this funk. :p Happy New Year, anyways! :)
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